
# Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

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A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk. Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing?

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. __Can't you people take the law into your own hands?__ *I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!* And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

## Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

1. Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.
2. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
3. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

### I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns." I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

* And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
* Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
* Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Ahoy hoy? Human contact: the final frontier. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Me fail English? That's unpossible.

This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story." I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Please do not offer my god a peanut. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.


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# …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

> I was saying "Boo-urns." Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work. Human contact: the final frontier.

Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! __The Internet King?__ *I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Whoa, slow down there, maestro.* There's a *New* Mexico?

## When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

1. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
2. Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
3. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

### Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Inflammable means flammable? What a country. Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train! Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train! What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

* I was saying "Boo-urns."
* Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
* You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Human contact: the final frontier. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. Homer no function beer well without. I've done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a *New* Mexico? Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them. This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie "The Never Ending Story."

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and replace "dog" with "son."

Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.

Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!

I stand by my racial slur. I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns." Dad didn't leave… When he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns." Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and replace "dog" with "son."

He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?! I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. D'oh. I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.



Hola Mundo!


# I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.

Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's problems. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Human contact: the final frontier. D'oh. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. __I work, I work.__ *Fame was like a drug.* But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

## I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Thank you, steal again. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

1. I was saying "Boo-urns."
2. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.
3. I hope I didn't brain my damage.

### Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

* Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?
* Please do not offer my god a peanut.
* Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three "Highlander" movies. Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Ahoy hoy? What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds… Oh, I've wasted my life. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?

I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns." They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Human contact: the final frontier. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Please do not offer my god a peanut. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?* I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and replace "dog" with "son."

You don't win friends with salad. Dad didn't leave… When he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird," and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?


I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. You don't win friends with salad. Beer. __Now there's a temporary solution.__ *Old people don't need companionship.* They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

## Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Please do not offer my god a peanut. That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

1. Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!
2. When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
3. Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?

### Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Marge, just about everything's a sin. Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

* Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
* Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…
* I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!" Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! You don't win friends with salad.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!

Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

I was saying "Boo-urns." Me fail English? That's unpossible. Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Save me, Jeebus. I've done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

You don't win friends with salad. Homer no function beer well without. Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.


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